I’m scared

There are things I’m afraid of.
I have a special talent to see everything black, blackest, I neet to hit the bottom, scratch it throughly, before I can rise up again.

So one night, to let it all out, I collected pieces of things that scare me… to your amusement, maybe it tells you something about things are here in Italy for twenty-thirty somethings… we’re the most schooled generation Italy ever had, and train driver jobs are offered to people with a PHD in Philosophy…

Anyway, here are my frightening guardians… maybe someone will feel less alone?

I can think the most depressive thoughts, and it’s not Poe’s or Lovecraft’s fault… even though it may have something in common to that.
I go fishing for my fears, I have many, and I have big ones.

I am afraid that soon people will forget that we make money to be able to enjoy life, therefore people will make money for the sake of making money.
So that those who have money will be able to invest to make more, and they will make more, leaving normal people increasingly poorer, forcing normal people to madeup jobs, shameful jobs, free jobs with a hint of illusion that maybe one days things will get better, that maybe one day they will be properly hired and be part of that inner circle of followers, Money-God’s priests.
Faint illusion, indeed, the god of money blesses but who pays, and the ones who pay want to be blessed in exclusive.

I am afraid that supermarkets wastes will be even more huge, and thrashbins will be put behind bars, and on the other side there will be hungry people, hungrier people.
And more evil, because an empty belly has no room for giving.
And dirtier people and felons, because sneaking behind bars into a thrashbin it’s not something clean.
And thirstier people, because to wash shelves, where perfectly good stuff has been emptied, we’ll use more water.

And thirstier people because money’s priests buy themselves a ship and wash it everyday, because they tell us to turn off water while we brush our teeth, to turn off lights when we exit a room, to keep heating very low, and then we have malls lighten up all day long, and night too, parliament offices where the heating is beyond 25° and they have revolting privileges.

I am afraid that one day resources will end and still no one will realize that it’s our fault, that we ate too much tuna sushi to be cool with colloeagues, and I’m afraid that Euro’s priests will be less but more powerful, and we’ll all be their slaves, even though we will not use these words.
We’ll say “stage-attendant”, “collaborator”, “occasional worker”, “try-out-employee”, “best-before-end-employee”…
Grey, grim, dirty and hungry we’ll work even more to enrich someone else, having less and less in our own pokets, having less and less time for our own lives…

And it will be death toll for passions, some artist maybe will make it through somehow, if some priest is pleased. Some doctor or researcher will still be renouned, because too much money-counting headache will still need a cure, and fast.
Let’s say that some altar boy will have a food in their stomach, but fear on their shoulders.

And it will be the widest stupidity plague ever, because even now schools have no argent, because even now education is but a ghost, because even now newspapers say what money says…

And no one will be able to fall in love anymore, and no one will know what’s worth fighting for, and we’ll all believe that there’s nothing we can do, Money-God said that, carved with flames into flesh, day after day, and who will have the time to fall in love? Exchange love songs? Have children? Who, in their right state of mind, sill wanto to keep living in a tachnological and politically correct apocalypse like such?

But anyway no one will be in their right state of mind, we’ll be all equally paintet gold, they’ll preach us into prayer, they’ll have us repent, rosaries of soon-to-be-broken purchases, soon-to-be-bored-of too, preaches to make us change our tastes, to squish out of us to the last penny we own.
And in the meanwhile force us believe that that’s life, oh that’s life!, that’s what it means to be alive, to be true, what we have is what we are… So perfectly deluded that we’ll be able to say “oh yes, that’s rotten, but what can we do about that? thinking that you can change something is so naive, so stupid, like you smoke too much weed, like a fluffy new age hippie who thinks earth loves us”.
So they stuff our heads with cute kitties, buttocks and bosoms, temporary celebrity, things things things, idiotic bullshits that maybe are funny, who knows, but as long as they are viral it’s all right.
No-thoughts candies, and they work, oh gosh they work.

But we still live in houses where gas and formaldehide are produced, we eat food grown with antibiotics, we drive cars where we breathe second hand thin powders. Cancers to tumors. Of course there are alternatives. You pay.
Or nights spent like an impromptu nurse, an almost written destiny, to see those you know going six feet under.

Then, suddenly a fine day a couple of asteroids will come way too close, hit us in the perfect center, or something will snap off, a cable of the lifter you’re in, a cable of the chandelier you’re under, a vein in you brain… or in the one of someone you love, and so long wrinkles, so long old age where maybe libido is gone or not, how do we ever know? so long to that holiday you wanted to take, so long to that special recipe you wanted to try next week, so long saving programs, so long unnumbered projects of a missed life, so long unnumbered faces you I didn’t have the time to say goodbye to.

So long rebellion that never came.

I’m afraid of all this, these are the most depressing thoughts I can think of, it’s a horror story, the most nightmare-ish ones I ever dreamed of… but I love life too much, I love love too much to give up.
Not to fight.
One single mind can make a difference, and arising sensitivity to these topics can change things. Because things can change, it’s the god of money who say it’s a deadly sin to think the opposite, Capitalism divinity who says it’s blasphemy to believe in something else… to believe in life.

Oh, I know, how many scornful words are a consequence of my thoughts: silly, stupid, naive, deluded, idiot, spoilt.
Yeah, right… I have everything, have I? So if I’ve everything and I’m thinking like that, what should an HIV positive born child think? what should a starving person think?
That’s so useful, is it? To have a third world to compare to: be quiet, it’s nothing, you’re fine it’s they who are dieing, we have everything, let’s think about making more money. Red tuna it’s near to extinction? Oh gosh, quick, let’s eat some more before it’s over! Self-preservation of the similar.
Let a third world, almost metaphorical, it’s so third, so far away, let it be the one who starves, what do we have to worry about?

Self-preservation of the similarMaybe we should worry about those things thirld world can’t take care of, because it’s too hungry. We should worry about the fact that we aren’t feeling that well after all, and that if there’s someone who’s stoned to death for stealing a chicken, it’s our fault too. Maybe we should stop playing Uncle Scrooge.
Maybe we should think to save our own asses. We should think about not fucking everything if we really want that “happily ever after” kind of life with a nice significant other and castle and all that jazz. Maybe we should engage in some serious change, raise awareness in loads of people because I mean to live a long life, enjoy clouds, hot chocolate, music and art, walks and long weekends, enjoy life and spend a lot, a lot a lot a lot, of time with those I love, and we’ll all have perfect health.

This is not newagey bullshit.
Because there’s already someone thinking about it all, but as long as it’s Ikea doing it, like ecofriendly desing, then it’s some cool words to type in a magazine, it’s cool, it’s in… instead if you talk about living green you’re a freak of a communist who doesn’t know how the world goes around.
Yet there is people who sell alternative and safe materials (even though it’s still pricey).
Better yet there is plenty of people who actually live this “alternative” and safe, green, natural, call it whatever, life, they already made small, but significant changes.

If they look like drops in an ocean to you, just think about those who said “ok, we should keep the atomic bomb to a twentieth of it’s power, otherwise that’s too strong” even though it was a time were bigger was better, think about people like Gandhi, King, Schindler: ONE mind made the difference. One mind who enlightened tons of others.

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10 thoughts on “I’m scared

  1. ju

    L’importante è reagire istantaneamente appena si vede qualcosa che non va.
    Uno può pure schiattare, ma almeno con la coscienza pulita.

    Sull’impatto di corpi celesti con la Terra mi sento però di rassicurarti!

  2. Siobhan Hanlin

    Wow. Euforilla this is such a powerful thought provoking post. Thank you.You are right in that we should stop and think more, consider the choices we are making ie are we indeed making these choices or just doing what everyone else is doing.

  3. Daniela

    Cara Euforilla, il tuo post è tutt’altro che deprimente stai tranquilla. Per me è stato commovente e mi ha fatto sentire meno sola e più capita. Non sai quanto i tuoi pensieri siano uguali a miei…..fino in fondo. E se ci siamo io e te, mi pare ovvio che ce ne sono tante altre di persone che la pensano allo stesso modo, tutti noi facciamo parte di un piccolo luogo senza spazio nè tempo, fatto di tutti i nostri pensieri pensati che si fondono, si riconoscono e si rassicurano. Sono certa che essere ingenui non c’entri niente. NOI ABBIAMO RAGIONE. Dobbiamo contiuare così su questa strada senza farci abbattere da tutti i commenti che sentiamo a lavoro, o in qualsiasi altro luogo, da parte di persone già marce dentro che ti dicono “Se non entri nel “sistema” non puoi più vivere ormai; se non ti inginocchi e lecchi il c*** di chi si crede potente quali porte credi che ti si apriranno?” In più di 2 anni di lavoro precario da CoCoCo ne ho sentiti tantissimi di questi discorsi e, per mia fortuna, i conati di vomito ancora non sono andati via…e sono certa che non andranno via perchè io non mi abituerò mai, non mi abbasserò mai. Una delle poche colleghe illuminate un giorno mi ha detto “quando smetterai di indignarti per queste cose vorrà dire che sarai diventata vecchia”. Non diventiamo mai vecchie, Euforilla. Non smettiamo mai di cercare le forme degli animali nelle nuvole o di fare un dolce con i nostri bambini (quando e se li avremo)…non smettiamo mai di ricercare tra le pieghe grigie di questo secolo così spento lo splendore che è la VITA.
    Buona settimana

  4. Mari

    Anche io ho avuto molti dei tuoi pensieri, in questo momento chi non li avrebbe…
    io poi sono un po’ masochista e mi vado a leggere certi siti definiti “catastrofisti”, eppure in alcuni si parla di entità benefiche che stanno lavorando per noi, per rendere tutto dolce, per non farci travolgere da eventi negativi o shockanti… perchè tutto proceda normalmente ma aprendo le nostre coscenze……

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