Very often we can read online “Stop apologising for who you are”.
No matter how much I think that’s true, I also think that we do not apologise enough these days.
And I’m not talking only about “I’m sorry if what I said hurt you”, instead of hoping that it all goes away, I’m talking about apologising to ourselves.
I haven’t always been like this, a jelly-bean-toe*-hippie and all the rest, I know I’ve already started a post like this… a post that was supposed to continue like this one yet took another direction, so here I am again. I was saying, I haven’t always been like I am no, I’ve been the kind of girl who liked to be in the spotlight, who liked to be and to know she was strange and different from the others (I used to dress in white when going to goth clubs, and I rest my case…), I liked to be right, to do things my way and do them anyway, I’ve been a tomboy, I’ve been called “obscure” by my literature teacher who was by then worried for me, I’ve been an incredible bitch and I’ve been ashamed for that, I’ve pushed myself into a corner when the spotlight I wanted so much turned to a bad spotlight, I’ve been alone and sad, there, that one too in this salad.
This sad sad story is not to fish for compliments, is to nail this post: we don’t apologise enough to ourselves.
I really believe I’m at a point where I have to tell myself “My dear Euforilla, I’m sorry, we were so wrong, ok, but now it’s gone and we’ve punished ourselves enough, I’d say that our bullshits have been payed for greately”, too bad I learn only from “headsmacks on the wall” so I always end up thinking I also have to pay for everyone else’s drinks.
In the meanwhile I’ve also apologised “to whom it may concern”, and I didn’t do it to “let them win” as someone might have thought, but because I had need of it, I needed to settle things, and I can grant you it makes you feel better, no matter if you get a “apologies accepted” or “fuckoff”.
In our education there is so much cause-effect, responsibility-punishment… so we grow with the belief that if we do something wrong we must pay for it. I’ve started thinking that maybe we should learn from it, learn from our mistakes and move on. If we were all still punishing ourselves for our grammar mistakes in first grade, we would be quite busy, wouldn’t we?
One last thing: during the “June photo a day challenge” there was a picture themed “Imperfect”, after thinking a while I decided to snap a picture of my pinkies. They’re crooked, they are since I was born, but for the first time I thought about what might have gone “wrong” in my chromosome set or in my dna to decide that two out of twenty fingers should be crooked. It was a fascinating thought process, so I’ve bored Mr Faun with it, and he immediately reassured me that my pinkies are beautiful. The thing is, I didn’t need to be reassured, infact I think I said him something like this “My pinkies are my pinkies, they look like this since I was born and I’m the only one who has them, they’re one of a kind and they didn’t even stop me from playing the piano!”. I didn’t expect such a rush of affection for some pinkies… I meank… pinkies! (Are you ponderating what I’m ponderating? I guess so Brain… but what if the dogs wouldn’t wear pantyhose?).
This is who I am crooked pinkies and bitchy past I’ve made up for, anything I’ve done made me who I am today, and that’s fine.
Ok I realize this is not the lightest post ever, but I hope it makes you think and most of all that it helps you: go on, stop apologising to the world for who you are. But did you apologise to your selves for the payback you impose yourselves?
I’m slowly getting to it, and it feels good
* Jellybean-toe= refers to kittens paws, so pink and soft, yes, an uber sappy word!